My life needs adjustment

Music: Hannah Montana – Just Like You
Mood: Sad
Random Note: This apartment has lots of sirens at night

Sometimes I really don’t know what to do. I feel that I am being overly nice because people tell me that I am, but I feel awful when I do not get to do what I want to even though I have the ability to.

Today X showed me a j-drama called ‘Proposal’. We managed to catch ½ of the episodes and it’s a pretty romantic show! XD X thinks of it as the perfect love drama for guys because well…maybe he feels for the lead in the show (he says it’s rare that shows have male leads).

The show was romantic and all. There were emotions and situations that I, for someone who’s never been in a relationship, was able to feel for.

I quickly realize that hey, though I never made it to any relationship with any other person, I have my friends. And all this while I’ve been so busy trying to create the perfect situations with people; I’ve so called ‘exceeded expectations’. Sure if any of my closer friends were to read this, they would be able to recall moments when it feels more of ‘romance’ instead of the norm friendship that should have been. All I really wanted was to make people happy (yes, and as my friend would have told me again, they never asked for all these to be done).

I believe in love. I really do. It is the reason why I am able to respect couples as they are whenever I meet any because I feel that “this could be the relationship that would bring them happiness! “

And above all this, I cannot bring myself to love someone when I’m not able to even be good enough as a friend. X told me many things that made me realize what an annoyance I had been for the past 8 years of my life. Many of you probably have felt that there were things that I shouldn’t have been too meddlesome with, and things that I should not butt my head into i.e. other people’s families, other people’s affairs, other people’s personal lives…

Seriously, when I do something it is probably because I wanted to. My principles still stand as of now: if I want to do anything, I will do it to the best of my abilities; otherwise you can forget about me putting any effort into it. For work, for relationships…it’s all the same! I feel that time is limited for my life, and that this is a straight journey down with no turn backs (we can revisit moments, but that does not mean we can truly re-live them).

I’ve managed to put my solid plans for school aside and not complicate them with my emotions. However, I believe I will not be recovering anytime soon from all these ‘realizations’. If as per my friend’s logic goes: It is not strange that no one had ever liked me, I have been overly helpful and positive about other people’s lives, and I have not been anything that I’ve really thought myself to be.

The irony…I always felt I was living the life I wanted, but without realizing how much of other people’s dreams I am destroying…

Ah Jon