End of a chapter

Music: Olivia Ong – All Out Of Love
Mood: Mixture of sadness, rage and motivation (So cannot find the word I need)
Random Note: I think I'm hungry all the time XD

You all ready for a long entry? Read on if you want to try and understand what is on my mind.

There are many things in life that I am still learning about. I am convinced that there are ugly sides of human nature, and that we can never be too sure about ourselves as we are all given the free will to do whatever we want.

This is the first week at which I have studied at the University of Sydney! I honestly still love my school so much, but at the same time I am a little overwhelmed by the amount of work I will soon be faced with. It has been a while since I really worked my brain out.

My lecturers are all ‘international citizens’, from all over the world! It is going to be interesting receiving knowledge from them. Here’s a note to myself to work hard and make more friends~

Throughout the 3 weeks since I set foot on Sydney, I guess tonight is one of which I am very awake and sure of what I feel. This blog should comprise of what I had been doing (so as to update all of you my precious people), as well as some of the deepest emotions that I have (that is to relieve myself of stress). This is why only certain people can have access to it, because having a sensitive side will always be my greatest weakness when it comes to getting down to business.

I have always felt the need to conclude my chapter of “friendship” eventually, when everyone actually goes on to live their life. This is where I revisit my state of neutrality and allow myself to push forward. X always says that I tend to make negative visions in my mind happen in real life.

The truth is, I do not see the above as something bad. I want everyone that I had ever cared about to be able to live the life that they want, and find that happiness that they seek (this is definitely not the first time I am saying this). Everybody whom has access to this entry here definitely has the maturity level to understand what I mean by happiness (be it for relationships, religion, money or whatever else you can think of).

Strange thing is I always believed that I will be able to do the right thing when it came to deciding for anything with friends. These included:

- Giving them the space they need
- Giving them what they need to the best of my abilities
- Being there for them whenever they need someone
- Being there with them for what matters to them most
- Providing anything else that they lack when they want it

My motivation came somewhere from “hey, I can be this guy that will bring little pieces of happiness to other people’s lives”. This goes concurrent with what I am: just wanting to do my best. Reflecting back on what I had been doing, I figured some aspects that maybe some of you might have experienced:

- I was probably biased on many occasions
- I did not allow space for some of you because I just want to be there for the moment
- I was not there when some of you really needed me to be because I gave myself an excuse
- I was very sure of what you wanted even though you did not ask for it
- I keep having these ‘one big family’ ideas which you might not have/have wanted
- I do not admit that I am wrong when you think I am

Honestly, the list can go on.

My life has been very fine. Though I was never the favorite child in my family, I felt love. I was never loved by anyone outside, but I had the best of what friendship could offer (I do not know what else it could offer but it has definitely provided me with everything I thought of). I was well taken care of by all my relatives even though I was not exactly the best kid at home. My cousins always made it right for me whenever I seem to be “not able to make it”. I basically got what I wanted and never had to really worry much (looking back now, I did worry too much). I am a simple person whom can be very satisfied based on emotional support.

There are also the sides of me that were not as fine. I know that my family has a problematic person and that taught me valuable lessons. I know that I compromise myself in many situations because of what others want. I am always giving myself responsibilities for actions, whether they were mine or not to bear. It was all about what I perceived, without actually realizing how much I am giving up / putting at risk over time. I put ‘greater meaning’ into all my relationships without realizing that maybe other people do not want to / will not see it.

My perception of life is not all that happy. “Life’s like this, so what matters most” is always on my mind because I know I cannot handle everything (hence the choice of focusing on my niches as often as I can). I often see opportunities together with conclusions, which meant that everything had to have an ending. I believe I only get one shot at some things in life, and that it is a straight line to the finish. I fear loneliness but do not dare to commit because I feel that I am never good enough for anybody (hence my additional efforts to friendship). I know the time will come when I have to fight my own battles and that no one will be there for me because friends will have to go on their paths in life. I cannot guarantee that our paths can continue to be side by side even though I really want them to (most of you probably have a relationship by now and we have all seen how that can become a ‘way of life’).

The truth I have to bear is that humans make mistakes, sometimes only realizing it when it becomes too late. My personality, the kind that keeps me very safe, is something that most of you will agree to be something very useful in the world because it gets work done. Sometimes, that is still not enough. Chunz have made mistakes, some of them that I will never be able to forgive myself for. My natural passion for the ideal friendship makes me vulnerable to other people’s ideas. There may not have been any greater meaning for all I know, because everything is just on an emotional level that is scaled by me.

The good news for me is that I have been able to see the progress that people have made in their lives. My best reward was to be given moments that I want to be there for. I get to see people I care about making progress and becoming what they want to be.

I have come to the end of my current chapter with my friends. I thought hard about each and everyone of you, and I can safely say all of you can move on with or without me by your side. As much as I want to be part of your lives, I know I cannot be (at least for now). Somehow, there comes this combination of emotions. I want someone to shout to me “I am going to be with you, go on and take the leap”, but I just feel so lonely.

I have to face my fear of losing this self-painted picture of what mattered most to me, what motivated me for 10 years of my life. It is true how much energy one can derive from having appropriate emotional support (I am amazed at what I have done for some of you). However, right now at this present moment, I am afraid I cannot be anything more than just a human being whose path has crossed with others.

I feel very lost not because I do not know where to go, but because I feel that I have lost the sources of energy that kept my passion alive. Over time, I gave the conclusion for relationships with everyone…which was something that I never told anyone (not even my best friends). I saw the ending and had to just painfully remove certain of the responsibilities I enjoyed having which was what I felt I was living for (it is all still so emotional on the level though). I am afraid of getting hurt if I invested more and affected what was important to them, or in some cases to even affect their relationship with the article they are faced with.

Slowly over time, this will all seem so small~ we are living in a world that moves faster than what I can perceive (it only takes 24 hours for the earth to make a complete spin, covering more mileage than what I know). I am due for making progress academically, and I am still me when it comes to being the best of what I can. I have returned to becoming neutral, and I am not going to step through the doors of my emotions as often now. I cannot make people walk with me because I care for them, thus the choice of being what they want to be in life. I can no longer volunteer myself to be there for moments I want.

This is a chapter well concluded (with burdens I have to bear for times I cannot see ending to).

My best gal pal told me that I am not making enough entries about how I am doing, and I was just skimming through my entries (goodness, the amount of updates I am giving other people can make them really worried while telling them virtually nothing at all). Guess I need to get back to what I set out for: this blog to keep track of my beautiful journey in Sydney! I will try to update as often as I can about my progress more objectively.

Give me some time; I am learning how to cope with issues that need this element.

Ah Jon